Every day that I am granted with the gift of life marks another opportunity to learn something I didn't know previously.
I'm glad that I have been granted the opportunity to expand young minds with the gift of words. I'm trying to widen my range of vocabulary words and am currently developing a better Preface for Days Roll On. Everything is a work in progress until I feel that there is nothing left to undermine and change.
I want to write. I want to create. I want to show the world what exactly goes on in my mind when I dream. These stories that I concoct are nothing beyond the ordinary, just the type of love most girls and women think about. We want to be romanced, but we want to be independent and strong. We want to be with men that honor us and give us the chance to survive on our own. Relationships are a team based operation, but I feel that most movies and storylines on TV get that wrong. I want to change all of that.
I don't write purely romance novels that are often times too cheesy to be taken seriously. I like playing around with humor and reality when creating my fictional stories. Everything around me can be used as an inspiration. I find that most of my characters have a part of me living inside of them. Writing has been one of the greatest things I've ever had in my entire life. Despite what I'm feeling I can write down everything and reflect on my words months later. Maybe that's why I have an obsession with writing down dates on journal entries and Mixed CDs. I like putting a timeline on everything. I like to see how long it takes me to develop and learn about different difficult situations.
I can't wait to put my stories out there on the front end lines for a literary agent to take to a publisher. When I find this person everything will fall into place. However, first I need to finish my second book that I will only put the abreviaton up, TDE. Good luck on trying to crack that one.
The problems finally surfaced and found their way out into the open. Everything fell apart and I can't say that I'm sorry about the loss. She kept pushing me away with her selfishness and mood swings. I said before that I would not allow her to take me down to where I used to be with Tate. So, I finally swallowed my own advice and kicked our friendship to the curb. Words may be spat back and forth behind the other's back, but we remain civilized, we don't bring out the weapons of mass destruction.
Her world is falling apart and it is no longer my job to help her keep it together. She stitched together the "bi" and the "itch" to create a personality I no longer cared to be around. Yes, there have been times where I miss her, but sometimes we have to hang up our hat and say goodnight.
I've been learning and creating works of art that I'm proud of. I'm hoping to become a published author within the year. Keep your fingers crossed. Blah...there are so many words living inside of me that would love to make an appearance, but I need to save them for my most recent project. Good luck to everyone on your dreams.
My heart and mind are located in two separate quadrants just like everyone else yet we confuse the two all of the time. My heart resides in my chest, yes this much is true, but am I always allowing it to make my decisions for me? The time is calling for me to be brave in my endeavors and show the world around me that I am not willing to take anything lying down. I know which problems reside inside my sometimes fragile mind, but I will not allow someone to trample through my brain and make me feel like I'm always the one at fault.
All relationships take time and patience, without the two there would be no ship to relate to. I know the chemical reason of why her mind has become such a warped and fragile state. This is yet another reason why I still refuse to swallow the pill the reduces the risk of procreation. I will not allow my sex drive and mind to be warped along with my menstrul cycle. Men do not understand the complexity of that pill that keeps that girlfriends at bay. If given the wrong pill, it can mess with your body chemistry and make you ultra sensative to everything around you.
Blah...I'm tired of the bullshit that comes with being a woman, but at the same time I'd much rather be a female than a man.
Let the sweat drop...Cute is all over my mind and I'm trying to dispose of it before I lose my sanity.
My brother went home yesterday and I was sad that once again he was here and I barely saw him. However, I've been working and finishing up Spring Quarter, which ends next week thank goodness. I've been stopping myself from creating on Microsoft word lately only because I am allowing my mind to conjure up ideas that stick like super glue. Until I've got a cemented plot I cannot allow myself to document my words. Everything has to have its place; I'm excited that this entire process of writing has been self taught. My skills have changed dramatically over the past 6 months and the results still shock me. I have always considered myself a "good" writer, but now I hold better faith in myself. I know that I have talent and I'm pushing the envelope to succeed in what I always secretly wanted. I will make it to the top with this gift because my heart is completely in it. My heart also belongs to singing however, that love always follows second to writing. Words have always been my best coping mechanism.
My sister wants me to wrap this up because we're about to see the Hangover.
Anger and frustration are not only words; they are emotions. We feel them passionately rather than dispassionately. I don't think I've ever crossed a person that was only slighty scorned. It seems to me that the harder I try to please, the less I please those around me. I feel that in life I dedicate myself to the promotion of happiness in others, but at the end of the day I always forget about myself. My voice is always preaching about self-love and caring only about one's own happiness however, I have not been following my own advice. My fingertips are clicking away at the keys to my computer and with each word expressed I can feel the shifting of weight; trying to find balance. I want very little in this life; happiness. Every morning I want to wake up and realize that I love my life and respect the choices I have made. Sometimes I succeed in obtaining this goal and other times I fail...hard.
Tomorrow I turn 20 years old and I have yet to discover the meaning of life although I feel that I've got some good material to fuel the fire of my thoughts and opinions. I've decided to stop writing about what I don't know and stick to what I do. Changing names and creating faces that I've never seen are all a part of the excitement for me. Since I was mature enough to complete sentences I've written simple stories that I used for self entertainment. It wasn't until recently that I discovered others who liked my talent. My life feels as if it came together in one solitary moment. I know my purpose. I want to write, write, write until my fingers are tight. I love hearing the clicking of my keys because I know that I'm releasing the thoughts that congest me. My mind is like a giant freeway and when my roads are blocked by a lack of pen or keys I feel that my traffic is increasing and the speed of vehicles is decreasing. All I want to do for the rest of my life is inspire lives by my unique lines. I love to write; always have and know that I always will. Creating an idea to be thought upon by others has always been a personal trigger for me. I want to inspire so many feelings.
Livejournal was my escape for a little while and then I abused the release of the keys. I'm back again and I am trying to keep the fire burning.
Today was a good day, but I realized that I can try with all of my might to be a good friend, but in the end I can only be Talie Simms. A simple California native who loves to sing and write to her heart's content. I can't fix my friends or their problems with my words and I'm still trying to grasp onto that reality. All will turn out well, but for now I will stop pushing to prevent rejection.
6 long weeks it has been since I felt the need to express the heat I'm feeling through words to settle the score. I'm hot headed and angry so instead of causing problems I write myself out of equations. Put the car in Reverse, don't forget the E brake, take a deep breath Nat and look both ways. I backed out of an unusual parking space, gave it my best shot and conquered the circumstances. I'm pissed off.
Take a look around and try to figure out what caused the meltdown. I'm sick of finding solutions when others caused the problem. I'll sit back and drink a beer while all of you mellow out. I'm tired, I'm through, I wrote off this bull shit a year ago. I'm not going to sit around and be annoyed or be angry I'll simply remove myself.
I won't elaborate on the problems that drive me to create a post I kept myself from writing for 6 weeks. I thought I could keep my sanity, stop the missed calls, I'm not answering. I want my space I want my peace and quiet. Give me ten minutes to satisfy my needs. I'm angry, for sure, stop calling, I won't answer I'm tired and I'm bored of the everyday bull shit that tries to plague me. I don't like hurting my best friend, but it seems that I do either way.
Give me a different life sentence that doesn't involve this type of agony. I will do anything, but lie down and die in a pit filled with nothing but dead fish and rotting eyes. Give me something to strive for, something different to live for. I am so sick of being the mature one or even being the im before the 'ture'. I want my life to reflect my wants and needs maybe I am the only one who can satisfy my own pleasures and destiny. Every other word requires a backspace press, but my mind doesn't pause to care for the mistakes I've erased. I only wish to be left alone. My request is simple and clear. Don't be angry with my choices; accept them and remain coy. I will come to you when I am ready to use my words from my tongue rather than my fingertips. Cool your jets; put that in your juice box and suck it.
Just when I think my world is ending it starts to rebuild itself. Nevermind the hurting and lies everything has fallen in the ugly cracks never to be heard from again.
Ty isn't getting kicked out of school which means we get to keep our classes together. I'll have to come back to this.
Truth: I've been effing up too much in school.
Reason: I've been making my friends too much of a priority.
Solution: I have concocted a new school and work schedule that will force me to do better, I need to do better.
This will all be in effect starting tomorrow, April 6, 2009.
I feel like I am out of control and I am not really sure what happened to me. Fall Quarter I was in complete control, I got an A in Chemistry, a B in Kines and a C+ in Political Science. I worked really hard to get those grades. Then Winter Quarter just had to come along and knock me off my feet. I made all of these new friends and Tate kept pestering me and now I have a new boyfriend. This all happened so fast and to be completely honest I'm not so sure I am ready for all of this. It seems to me that I am better off being a loner because I did better in school when I was. However, looking back on my experience as a lonely person I've noticed that I wasn't happy. I can have good friends and do great in school if I apply myself. There lies the problem, I do not apply myself to the best of my ability. That all has to stop right now. I need to take control and become a better person. I cannot eff up my life and get kicked out of school. I need drive and focus. I keep losing sight of the woman I want to be after college. All I can see right now is me with a baby bump being extremely happy. What is wrong with me?! I want my life after college already. I am so tired of schooling and rules and papers. When does learning become more about learning rather than testing?
Sigh...I just hope that I can get my shit together and work this all out. Jacob will help me if I stop fighting him internally. I know that he is great for me, he is my focus and my drive. My problem is that I am still fragile and I will find anything to get rid of someone before they can actually hurt me. How sick is that? I know in my heart and mind that Jacob would never intentionally hurt me. When I look into his eyes I see the potential that I can hurt him because he cares about me that much. What am I doing? I have this amazing guy in my life and I am so happy with him, we laugh, we smile, we talk all the time and he gets me! So why do I insist on trying to push him away? I get SCARED where there is NOTHING to be afraid of. The only factor that will ease my suffering is time. Jacob will restore my faith in the human race once I give him enough time, the problem is I'm a very impatient person. Someone should really slap me across the face or maybe erase my past relationship. Nah, I'll take the slap in the face. Relationships are a learning experience and right now Jacob is teaching me how to relax and stay organized.
Tomorrow is a fresh start and I am going to make the best of it. I want to make my parents proud of me because that feels good, I really do not like to disappoint them, it does pain me. Wish me luck.
Hello everyone, hope you're all having a fan-fucking-tastic morning. I know I'm sure not! I tried really hard to put together a surprise birthday party for Becka and it has been nothing but drama from every possible end. All I wanted was to make my best friend feel completely special and loved because I love her more than anything in the entire world. When she gets upset I instantly get upset. I owe this girl, this amazing young woman my entire happiness. She brought me up from the bottom of the cold moldy well and gave me light in my life again. How do you pay someone back for a service like that? For saving your life? I try to show her by doing little things that I know she will appreciate. This party got me all kinds of excited and now I'm just fed up. I gave people 2 weeks to ask for work off or get their schedules together in order to make it to her party. What ended up happening you may ask? ALL OF THEM decided to screw me over and care more about work or other things more than my best friend that I would do anything for...I guess that's what separates me from them...in the end I'm going to be the one that is going to be there for Becka. I am going to be her loudest cheerleader because I love her and support her entirely.
My feelings are hurt and I'm tired of the drama. One of the people that I invited who is not coming to the party now told someone else that we used to be friends with about this party and I had to deal with that drama. Why the hell would you tell someone about that? Thank you so friggen much for giving me that excess drama that I didn't need to deal with and on top of everything Becka was upset with me yesterday and I'm not really sure why. This is the one person in the world that I would do anything to make her happy and I kept trying so hard to do so yesterday when she was at my house and she would not budge. I thought I was going to start crying there in my kitchen I felt pathetic. I knew she was having a bad day, but I felt singled out. I felt like a monster when all I wanted to do was be the good guy. I don't strive to hurt her that is completely insane. She is my best friend and has been there for me through the thickest parts of my troubles. Having her be upset with me causes the worst pain imaginable. Forget what Tate did to me that was nothing, boys can come and go as they please, but having confrentations with your best friends is the worst, the absolute worst. I love her and I just want her to know that and I want her to know that I worked really hard to give her the best birthday party possible. She means the world to me.
I love you Becka.
My life has changed so rapidly in the last two weeks that I do not know where to begin. I've discovered new friendships and helped create a group that loves to be together. We laugh, we talk, we make memories and in life who could ask for anything more? I'm also dating someone that I shall call Jacob ;) He's six foot three and everything I need, hehe. Tate has been sniffing around like he always does but the sound of his breathing doesn't jarr me anymore. I'm too busy out and about enjoying the sunsets with my best friends.
I saw my "crush" in concert a couple days ago, guy is a joke, but the blow didn't come so hard this time. I knew this was coming and I had Jacob to soften the blow. Anarbor is amazing and I think I'm in love. They put on an awesome beginning even though they seemed a little shy I sang along to every song and danced till I was sweaty in the face.
I love my life and I would not take anything back. I went to Disneyland with Ty and Becka yesterday and it was awesome!!! We went on quite a few rides and made so many memories. Those two complete me in the greatest of ways. I can feel the fire called inspiration burning up inside of me again and it will only be a matter of time before I take my Microsoft Word by storm. My story will soon be completed and it will be time to move on to the next.
This post will be short because as much as I would love to add every last detail my life has entailed I have other things to do. Time is short and I want to use as much of it on fun as humanly possible. Stay vibrant I'm peace-in out of this joint.
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